Warner Empire, LC · Office of Snacks

October 31, 2026

Warner Empire Names Bic the Bear Minister of Snacks, Confirms the Brownies Are Gone

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah: Warner Empire, LC today announced that Bic, a bear, has joined the company as Minister of Snacks, effective immediately, under the title B.E.A.R., which the company confirms stands for Because Everybody Ate The Brownies.

The appointment closes the company's internal investigation into the brownie incident, in which a full pan of brownies left unattended in the break room was gone by morning. The investigation lasted four minutes. Bic was found holding the empty pan. There were crumbs on his belly. He has denied nothing. He has said nothing. He is a bear.

Consistent with company policy, the ministry ends at the merch: the bear, the pan, and the crumbs are all real, and so are the shirts, at warnerempire.com/merch.

“Every empire needs somebody in charge of snacks,” said Guy Warner, founder of Warner Empire, LC. “We interviewed the whole forest. Bic was the only candidate who had already done the job, in our break room, without being hired. That is initiative. That is leadership.”

The Raven remembers everything. The Goat lies about everything. The bear ate the evidence. The company's raven, Muninn, who keeps the records and has never left his post, confirmed that the archive holds exactly one redacted file. It is labeled “the brownie incident.” The bear is why. What is in the file, the raven would not say. He does not have to. Everybody already knows.

The Goat swears he baked them. The goat is lying to you. Except about the brownies. That one time, the goat told the truth. The goat has since demanded a baking credit and a percentage of the merch. Both requests are before the court.

The ingredients, the court has learned, were supplied by Trash Panda Trading Co. The empire throws it away. The bear eats it anyway. Trash Panda management described the supply chain as circular and declined to elaborate.

Moo Cow provided the milk, then sat in judgment with her band, Verdict. The ruling came back quickly: guilty of delicious. The court has accepted the ruling. Bic has accepted the ruling and asked whether there are more brownies.

Totally Not A Record Label has also announced a forthcoming track for Bic, “The Bear Ate The Evidence (And The Brownies).” Bic joins the label roster as Act 05. No audio has been released. The label describes the sound, in advance, as chewing.

Bic was unavailable for comment. He was asleep. It is not hibernation season. Nobody at the company is willing to wake him, and management accepts this as his statement.

About Warner Empire, LC

Warner Empire, LC is a Salt Lake City company operating Eco Moving Utah, a reusable moving tote rental service; Bin X, booking and payments software for bin and tote rental companies; Totally Not A Record Label; Totally Not A Game Studio; and Totally Not A Brewery. More at warnerempire.com.

Media contact:

Guy Warner

801-897-1138 · warnerdata@gmail.com